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Knights of Reason - Forums • View topic - A Confession
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A Confession

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AsterisK

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Post Sat Apr 15, 2017 1:26 am

A Confession

I haven't really done much of anything here in... probably way too long, but I feel obligated to state this here regardless: I've recently realized I'm fully transgender and will formally begin transitioning into a female at the end of next month. I've already spoken to a therapist and she's prepared the letter I need to start on hormones.

Also, I miss you guys. How the hell did you all manage to deal with the angsty, emotional, dysphoric mess that I was when I was 15-16?
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ViruS

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Post Sat Apr 22, 2017 11:27 am

Re: A Confession

Congrats on your finalised decision!

I in general don't have the courage to pull off an announcement like this. I in general have half the tendencies a female would have (in fact I had more female 'friends' (well I guess not true firends) back in primary school) but because I'm not into men and the fact that I am more on the technological side of hobbies, I still see myself as a man, even if I am interested in wearing something like a skirt as opposed to jeans (I hate jeans).

How did I manage to deal with you? well I simply didn't. I'm not sure how old you are right now so I don't know how long ago that was. I only recently started chatting with the KoR community in the recent 6 or so years.
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Post Sat Apr 22, 2017 8:02 pm

Re: A Confession

I have some similar experiences, here is some of the dysphoria I've had throughout my life:

-Consistent confusion throughout childhood as to why I didn't have female traits or wasn't treated as female by others.
-Significant issues with expressing my emotions too easily for a standard guy, then having nearly no ability to express at all after puberty.
-Not feeling emotion at all unless I'm feeling it so strongly that I can't hold it in.
-When playing a game or roleplaying as a customizable character, I always choose female characters if there's no advantage between the two sexes.
-When I roleplay as male characters, I can never find their voice.
-When one of my good friends, a transgender female, relayed her impactful experiences in her life, it singlehandedly gave me significant anxiety for weeks at how eerily similar they were to mine.
-Often feeling dead inside after feeling anything other than guilt, shame, or fear.
-I get along great with girls and connect with them easily. I have a fundamental incompatibility with most males and even my close male friends often end up getting pushed away by it when I'm around them for too long.
-When my mind admitted to itself that it was female and had a female name, my significant anxiety immediately vanished.
-Putting on female clothes has been proven to immediately snap me out of some of my depressive episodes.
-I've had confidence and self worth issues my entire life and have never been able to identify a cause.
-I feel strong urges to leave groups and communities for seemingly no reason because I feel like I'm not somebody who is good enough to be around them.

There's plenty more but I can get into those later. This should be enough to get a general gist of what I am and how I got here.
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ViruS

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Post Mon Apr 24, 2017 5:37 am

Re: A Confession

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Post Mon May 15, 2017 7:20 am

Re: A Confession

Congrats on coming out! I'm glad that you took the time to think about it and talk to someone before making the decision. I know a lot of people claim to be transgender or nonbinary just to join the new trend. I feel it gives those with the true feelings a bad name. From your explanation and choice to begin Hormones I believe you're not faking it. Just know the transition will be difficult. You'll feel a lot of new emotions and become a lot more emotionally unstable during the change. If you ever need to talk to someone or need help in anyway don't be afraid to hit me up on steam or discord.

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Post Sat May 20, 2017 4:14 am

Re: A Confession

I've been worrying
- that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying
- that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worrying
- that we all
- - live our lives
- - - in the confines of fear
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AsterisK

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Post Mon May 22, 2017 1:18 am

Re: A Confession

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Post Tue May 23, 2017 3:54 am

Re: A Confession

I've been worrying
- that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying
- that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worrying
- that we all
- - live our lives
- - - in the confines of fear
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ViruS

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Post Fri Jul 07, 2017 11:28 am

Re: A Confession

Regarding the link: I thought hawaii runs under U.S. medical laws... Wouldn't he have lost his medical surgary license?

The lcosetst ng to that I've seen relating to american medical practices is that there was a patient deemed clinically dead due to absent brain waves but the patient was only unconcious and later woke up under anesthetic to see that her organs were being harvested. (wires disconnected?)
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Post Sun Jul 09, 2017 2:49 pm

Re: A Confession

I've been worrying
- that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying
- that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worrying
- that we all
- - live our lives
- - - in the confines of fear
<<

AsterisK

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Post Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:23 am

Re: A Confession

Sorry, I've been kind of absent from the site since I rejoined the discord, but here's roughly what has changed with me in the 7.5 weeks I've been on hormones so far:

1. The dysphoric episodes went from occurring every 1-2 days to vanishing completely for three weeks immediately. Even then, I've only had two episodes since then, and they've been easier to deal with (not really dominating my mind like they used to) even though they last for a while longer. The first one even invaded my dreams.
2. My skin changed 2-3 weeks in. It's much smoother and nice feeling now.
3. My sweat stopped smelling entirely about a month in, at least my armpits did. I'm not really sure if that's still the case since I've been using deodorant anyways, but I suspect I smell a lot less male now.
4. I've started getting moody a lot lately. I'm getting irritated at weird times and snap out of it at random times. I get angry a lot too now, but it's very different to what it was before. It's hard to explain what I mean beyond that.
5. I get the heart chills a lot more now. Likely emotion stuff.
6. I lost fifteen pounds. I have no idea how since I haven't noticed much different physically, but I only know myself since I was told by other people that I look like I lost weight, so who knows.
7. Nipple sensitivity/soreness is still mild.
8. My appetite went down significantly immediately, then increased to somewhere in the middle over time.
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Post Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:30 pm

Re: A Confession

I've been worrying
- that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying
- that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worrying
- that we all
- - live our lives
- - - in the confines of fear
<<

Metroidude

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Post Wed Sep 27, 2017 10:00 pm

Re: A Confession

Asterisk when you read this, I want you to know I love you as a person. And it is because I love you, that I want you to know this:

Your value as a person should never be associated with which gender you are. Ever. I don't care if you think of yourself as male or female. I love you, you've been a valued member of the community forever.
Just because you're different, doesn't mean you're any less valuable.

That being said, when you love someone, you want what's best for them. I've read studies that suggest that reassignment surgery can make suicidal tendencies and depression worse, and I don't want that to happen to you. Please make sure you get a second or third opinion from doctors before you do anything drastic. Oftentimes we can think something can solve our problems, and just seek that out without actually researching it.
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AsterisK

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Post Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:22 pm

Re: A Confession

Can you link me some of those studies, Metroid? I want to know roughly what basis they're using and what requirements had to be hit for them to be allowed to go through that.

EDIT: oops, my phone decided not to show the link for some reason.

The study you linked is insufficient to conclude anything.

1. They didn't account for the baseline of people experiencing gender dysphoria, which is also well known to increase those same tendencies.

2. By that logic, the correct way to conduct the study is by comparing those transgender people formally transitioning against those that aren't.

3. The study doesn't account for other possible causes. The higher amount of suicides and incarcerations are most likely because of the stress of trying to pass and the relatively awkward social hurdles that come with being transgender in general.

I understand your concern and I appreciate it, Metroid. I'm annoyed at the people conducting the study since it is actually quite badly done. I just don't think the issue is as bad as they make it seem, if my own experience is any indicator.
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Post Mon Jun 04, 2018 6:38 pm

Re: A Confession

So, it's been awhile. How are you doing Asterisk? I hope you are finding the comfort you've been seeking.
I've been worrying
- that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying
- that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worrying
- that we all
- - live our lives
- - - in the confines of fear
<<

AsterisK

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Post Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:34 pm

Re: A Confession

I've actually been doing terribly, but that's more to do with general life stuff than anything else. The transition has been going smoothly enough and I'm getting my estrogen dose increased to maximum in a week.
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Fox_One

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Post Sat Jun 09, 2018 8:18 pm

Re: A Confession

I've been worrying
- that my time is a little unclear
I've been worrying
- that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worrying
- that we all
- - live our lives
- - - in the confines of fear

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